Fabian Romero
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we can be there for each other

6/9/2020

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we can be there for each other, in spite of being told otherwise. we don’t have fend for ourselves in this capitalist world. we can be there for each other.

1. remember being a child and the challenges that came with being small and relying on others. this is our common ground in the reality of oppression. we were all once small, we were all once told to obey in some way and although we are programmed to forget where we once came, our skin wrinkles will replay how age is our common thread of oppression. meanwhile in the in-between of youth and Elder, our bodies remember.

2. deprioritize pride. make your need to love greater than your need to be right. choose solidarity over notoriety.

3. make room in your body for the uncomfortable, and if you hear it demanding for you to return to not seeing the truth; calm it with revolution stories of surviving. survival stories of the people who you may know from your bloodline. they fought and some vowed to pass on to their kin story in hope to not repeat the horror of the past. that fight still makes you. calm the uncomfortable with lullabies of hope songs, you are meant to liberate yourself from the programming of oppression and assist liberation struggles. choose solidarity over notoriety. it is not your struggle always but if it is your privilege then see it as a responsibility to solidarity.

4. listen to the sadness and anger: even if it means you do not understand, listen. feel how the words sting the parts of your body that holds privilege like a prize, feel how the words make your tension rise and see this is a sign of forgiving yourself for believing that liberation ever meant telling others how to make it comfortable for you. if we are in this together, we gotta feel the sadness and anger and let it be as real as the love.

5. practice believing before denying: practice believing. go back to number 1, the time we were children and believed what we were told because it was part of growing. believe again. hear people when they say they are forgotten that by their skin, their size, their disability, their undocumented status, they are forgotten. believe them when they say that playing nice is just playing invisible, that our bodies are used to boost egos and prove supremacy, believe them, believe us, believe me.

6. celebrate the small victories because there is plenty of hurt, there is plenty of anger, there is plenty of sadness and reasons to give up. and if you placed hope on one side and reasons to give up on the other, you would have given up a long time ago. so celebrate your survival, treat yourself like a gift. stop the hope genocide, see yourself and your skin, your kin as enough. replace hope scarcity with abundance. remember that you pass your dreams to your kin and if you don’t believe, will we ever be free?

7. forgive yourself: because using guilt to motivate change only works for so long and healing begins with forgiveness.

8. choose solidarity over notoriety: being there for each other shouldn’t require fame or awards. think of the work that goes unnoticed, the people whose work is underpaid or devalued. choose solidarity over notoriety.

9. identify with privileges in the same passion as your oppressions. hold onto them for the learning and opportunities they have for you to create change.

10. we can be there for each other, in spite of being told otherwise. we don’t have fend for ourselves in this capitalist world. we can be there for each other.

(Originally published in Mountains of A Different Kind chapbook)


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Self care list: how to take care of yourself while learning about oppression (with unaware people)

6/1/2020

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Originally published on my tumblr in 2010, this list has appeared on Colorlines and other online resources for people of color:

This is not a complete list. I recognize that I hold privilege for having the time and energy to put this together, and hope that my footprint in the world leads to more people of color and marginalized people going through this and utilizing my experience as a stepping stone for their growth. I also write this as a reminder for myself.

1. Prioritize sleep: Not getting enough sleep leads to imbalance emotions and exacerbates stress.

2. Eat breakfast/food: Not eating enough in the day can lead to mood swings which can lead to reacting on ignorant ass comments and further exacerbating stress.

3. Talk to your fucking friends: specifically friends who share the same marginal status as you (e.g. person of color, queer, disability, gender, etc) before the class or workshop to get re-centered (present/not stressing the fuck out). Also call on one or a few people after the event to debrief and make sense of the idiocy of people's subconscious and conscious remarks and actions that just irritated and or hurt you.

4. Be honest with yourself about how much you can share: do not speak up/ participate in a heated discussion if you know you will end up hurting yourself by trying to force a fucked up individual to admit their fucked up thinking therefore using up all your energy on someone who is unwilling to listen or acknowledge oppression. Similarly do not stay silent if you know you feel that what you have to say is important and you need to be heard about it.

5. Let shit go: If a person says something hella fucked up (cuz you know its gonna happen) and after someone has called out/questioned the meaning of their offensive ass actions or words, let it go. They have just outed themselves on their ignorance, and it is THEIRS TO WORK ON. Not yours. We live in a fucked up world with lots of battles to take on in our lives. Hopefully there is an ally working in the background trying to educate that person. If not, have hope that they will face enough people telling them to think differently that they will eventually choose to change. Unfortunately people with oppressive views are often supported in their ideas by society and social norms and some will never think differently. In this case be thankful that you don't ever have to talk to them if you choose not to. You have control over that part. You can surround yourself with people who are willing to listen and admit fault.

6. Have compassion: with yourself! Hearing people react candidly about their internalized privilege and oppression can feel traumatizing and awful, you are not alone. Remember that these feelings are temporary and that if you did or said anything that you could have done better this can also be seen an opportunity for growth rather than brutal self criticism. Also have compassion for other people, this might be their first time facing their privilege, or ACCEPTING THEIR OPPRESSION, and it's a painful process. I hate privilege guilt, don't get me wrong, it is awful to hear about how insensitive people can be. By compassion for others, I mean don't assume that all unaware privileged people are happy being douche-bags, they might actually feel something that leads to growth and change.

7. Focus on yourself/Stay present: What can you learn from this? Often while hearing people go through the word by word script of defending their racist remarks, I think "What can I do to take care of myself after this? Is there anything I can say to help myself stay sane in this moment?" I gotta remind myself often that I can only control myself, other people will only listen if they are willing to or ready to. Focus on your learning, take notes on how people with privilege are acting, how people with oppression are learning. Don't take what people say about your marginal group personally, it is their shit, and their work to do, not yours to internalize and hurt yourself with. Also take note of how much energy you are using in the conversation, if you are focusing on trying to have them "get it" by being explicit and vulnerable, consider stopping. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO UTILIZE YOUR ENERGY or re-traumatize yourself by re-living your painful life in front of a group TO EDUCATE OTHERS ON OPPRESSION.

8. Be patient: it can take a fucking long time for people to actually change from the moment they say they want to. You may not know them when they finally make the leap into awareness and accountability. Have hope they might get there, and let the outcome go.

9. Treat yourself well: this goes back into all the other points I have mentioned. Your life has been hard enough, you don't need to make it harder by beating yourself up for not knowing certain things, or for acting out of emotion. Let your actions go too. Surround yourself with people who you can be real with, who won't judge you, and will hopefully get you to grow further.

10. Learn about privilege you hold: It is a myth that people who are marginalized are more understanding of other peoples struggles. Learning about my privilege helps me stay in my power. I am an able bodied, Christian-raised person. I speak English, and am in college. By learning about other people's struggle that I do not experience, I also learn how to healthfully detach from oppression targeted at marginal statuses I do hold. I also get to go through a privilege filled and hard unlearning process. This helps me have patience and compassion for others, because I too was once a douche-bag to a certain degree.
Remember that this is all part of the process and that it will get easier to feel centered and whole after an anti-oppression workshop. Take care of yourself and grow, heal and create change. Doing anything to interrupt oppressive social norms is fighting oppression. Keep fighting!

In Solidarity,

fabian romero P.h.C.
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    fabian romero

    Indigequeer poet scholar

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